It seemed like a good idea at the time and so I spent part of Thursday evening thinking about an exercise programme having already gone swimming with the Prince of Darkness only the night before. And so before I knew it I was on the floor attempting press ups. I managed two before my stomach decided it did not want to do this and I crumpled into a heap and stared at my cat that was looking at me with bemusement and contempt in the way that only cats can do. What had I done to deserve this contempt I can hear you asking.
A week ago Genghis came into the house with blood pouring from his chest. As it was bleeding over the carpets and showed no sign of letting up me, Roger Moor and the Traveller investigated. There seemed to be a single puncture mark which was where the blood was coming from. After a beer or two we decided that boxers when they are cut use Vaseline to stop blood flow and after a few more beers we decided that an application of Savlon would not only stop the blood flow but would disinfect the wound at the same time. Wrapping the cat up in a towel I held him on his back and with RM stroking him under the chin to soothe him the Traveller proceeded to apply disinfectant cream. Satisfied with our attempts at first aid we all had another beer and marvelled at how good a job we had done. Genghis licked off the cream and started bleeding again. I did what any normal person would do and let him lie on the reddish carpet in the living room in front of the fire. The blood would not show up as much and the fire would make the wound scab over. The three of us agreed that this was a brilliant plan and that neither Christian Barnard nor Sans Frontieres could have drawn up and executed a better plan. We had another beer!
Fast forward a few days and it was apparent that Genghis was not at all well and he would not eat or drink and wanted to sleep a lot more than usual. I made an appointment for the vets and after an investigation it was revealed that he had six puncture marks on his chest and that they were from a cat bite. It had become infected and this was compounded by the fact he had licked off the Savlon cream and the cream was toxic to cats and not for ingestion in any way shape or form. A couple of injections of antibiotics and 50 quid later I took him home. He perked up in a matter of hours and I fed him a piece of raw sirloin I had bought especially for him. By the following day he was back to his old self. The vet had suggested I took him back in a few days for a check up and to give him his booster jabs and worming tablets.
As I walked in cat box in hand the vet said he looked fine and that it would be a good idea now he was here to keep him at the surgery and perform THE OP. I was horrified, I mean I always knew that he would need it but I was not going to be the one who took him there and that is exactly what I had done. It felt like I had taken my best mate out and led him to a butchers shop with sinister intent something along the lines of the butchers in the League of gentlemen. I mean I had always figured that if responsible cat owners put lady cats on the pill then Genghis would not have to have his bollox chopped off and all because some brazen hussy could not keep her tail between her legs.
I picked him up several hours later and he looked sorry for himself. I do not think he knew what had had happened as the anaesthetic had not yet worn off but I figured it would not take him long to figure out that something was missing. So not only was he looking at my pathetic form with utter contempt but he must have been thinking it’s payback time.