The Birthday

I finally managed to kick the Black dogs arse and he has disappeared back over the horizon for the time being and I eventually pulled my socks up. With this mind I swung into action and cleared a load of jobs around the house and then set about thinking what I would I get the Bean counter for her birthday. Its always a difficult one this. I mean what do you buy the woman who has everything? Being a practical fellow I dismissed anything that might gather dust such as ornaments and suchlike and decided not to think of anything that might contain calories. Always a dodgy one that, calorie laden goodies that will cause more guilt after the event than the enjoyment before. Gift vouchers always seem so impersonal and besides it shows how much you have spent making you seem either ruthlessly mean or perilously extravagant. Hang gliding lessons or a parachute jump are out because she is scared of heights. Buying clothes is never a good idea unless you have any sort of clue what a size 12 actually means and would what ever you buy be the right colour, the current season (what exactly does that mean? come on girls help me out here) or the right material?

And then I had a flash of inspiration… She needs a new tyre for her car, this would be used every day, would be practical and not frivolous and as it’s a Rover 600 running on Pirelli’s would not be cheap either and into the bag its her car not mine so its exclusively for her. You cant get better than that; it ticks all the right boxes. Also I know she needs a new memory card for her digital camera, again practical, solely for her exclusive use and I wont have to worry about the calorie’s, dust gathering, impractical new Mac in the wrong size and colour, personal shopping vouchers or tickets for a dangerous sporting activity that might give her a heart attack. I rang LMS and excitedly told her what a brilliant idea I had come up with and how pleased I thought BC would be when presented with this well thought out token of affection in honour of her birthday.

For a moment I thought there was a fault on the line as I could hear nothing and then finally in her very own sweet dulcet tones, “Are you having a fucking laff”? Expletive after expletive followed as I was subjected to a verbal barrage about how thick men are and especially me and how could I possibly buy my girlfriend a bloody tyre for her birthday. I tried explaining about the calories and the dust gathering thingies etc and then I applied what I thought would be the coup de grace about it being a Pirelli. As LMS is into formula one even she would see this was a good idea I thought. More silence and then after shouting “hello, are you still there”? She answered in the slow and loud tones of one speaking to the very old and hard of hearing or in this case the stupid and senseless. “Would you like it if some bought you a spare tyre for your birthday”? I thought about this and then replied well yes actually and for all the reasons I have explained to you and burbled excitedly that I would be made up if some one bought me the new Liverpool European away kit but I didn’t think BC would be best pleased if I got her one. The phone went dead.

Devastated that hours of thought had gone into that plan only for it be dismissed so cruelly after conception and yet before gestation and finally birth, I sat and thought about the vast differences between men and women. Had we of both been in our 20’s giving her something she had not already got would be relatively quite simple. However would giving her vouchers or tickets to go to a health spa not be the same as giving her vouchers for a face-lift? I mean it’s akin to saying listen your unfit go away and come back slim and trimmed in much the same way as vouchers for a face-lift is like saying your ugly go and get sorted. A short break away with a friend might be seen as look go and get lost I need the break more than you do which is why I am sending you away. Presents for women are an absolute minefield unlike presents for men. A case of Carlsberg and a ticket to the next home game to most men I know would be greeted with gratitude and promises to hand you the soul of their first born.

As Jack Lemon exclaimed in the film Some Like it Hot, women are a completely different sex. I suspect it’s a subject I will come back to every now and then, meanwhile the birthday looms ever closer and I still have no idea about what to get her.

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