Author: Smokehouse

Easter came and sorta went. Not much to report except that as usual Château Ghastanbury was busy and lots of people passed through over the period. The weather was a complete washout and some building work I had scheduled had to be cancelled. It’s pretty dangerous being on a ladder with a 40-50 mile wind gust factor. I guess the guttering and re-painting of the fascias and soffits will have to wait until some time in summer. I started work in the garden this morning and by 10-30am I had to stop for a while until the snow had stopped. A new shed that had been scheduled to arrive tomorrow morning has had to be put back by two days to allow the old flagstones to be re-laid and settle. The garden currently resembles a car boot sale with stuff everywhere as there is no place to put it. I have no idea how a person can collect so much junk in such a short time but we do and I have.

The financial crisis that has hit the UK in the way of a credit squeeze and so many building societies and banks cutting mortgage loans to only 75% of value has hit people around the world. The Printer emailed me to inform me of the state of things down under and the Tiler rang me during Easter weekend with similar tales of woe. The Traveller who is in the Baltic informs me that things are no better in Eastern Europe. In fact the only person who seems to be having a good time of it lately is Ted Magnum who is currently zooming around Brazil on his South American tour.

One piece of good news is that my favourite radio station, Planet Rock, has had a temporary reprieve from its scheduled closure on March 28^th. It has been given a months grace in the hope that a buyer can be found before it shuts down for good. Well actually there are two pieces of good news. The other one is my diet which has seen me lose 6lbs over the last two weeks. I hope to keep this up and by summer be back to my svelte like self. With the prospect of worldwide food shortages this is a definite possibility.

Well it has stopped snowing and the sun is trying to peer through the clouds. I had better get back into the garden and make the most of every ray of sunshine available before the weather turns again. The barbecue season seems a long way off!

Busy, busy, busy. Yes that is how things have been for the last few weeks and I am not sure where to start! In fact I have been so busy that I have not had time to make an entry so my apologies to regular readers who thought I had disappeared. The weather has been strange; it has been neither cold nor warm, not overcast or sunny. In fact it has been nondescript. With this in mind I have booked time off work as holiday time to start work on the outside of the house. Imagine my surprise then when the forecast prior to the coming Easter showed heavy rain and thunder and then snow over the period. I reckon I will be stuck indoors watching the rain beat down for the duration of my holidays only for the sun to come out the day I go back to work.

As most people who take in the world news will know, a recession is about to hit us. Billions of dollars have been lost and both pound and dollar have fallen against other currencies. Many people are in negative equity as house prices fall, interest rates go up and they face owing more money at a higher rate than the assets they own. If jobs start going the same way then a return to the late eighties will be more than a pessimistic outlook, it will be reality. What does this all mean for me? Well as the value of my house has fallen and the cost of foreign currency has gone up a place in the sun and early retirement looks as far away as it is possible to be. Land and properties that only two weeks ago would have cost me 30k sterling will now cost over 34 as the pound buys less and less.

The papers have this week focused on benefit Britain and shown that in over 50 towns in England and Wales over 50% of those of working age are claiming benefits and out of work through one reason or another. As usual the figures have been massaged by the government to show less people out of work but do nothing to hide those not working but still claiming benefit. The bill to the country as a whole? Well more than the total bill for running the NHS. It does make you wonder whether or not it is actually worth going out to work when those on benefits will be protected during any economic downturn and those in work will not be.

Regular readers will know that few previous posts of late have not finished without an update on Genghis. He has had his final injections and has been let out on the loose. This morning he wondered out of the house after finishing his breakfast and chased a bird up the Cherry tree at the bottom of my garden. This was at 8-50am and he was still up there howling to get down at 9-15 which is when I have to leave for work at the very latest. I had no choice but to leave him to his own devices and hope he would be back on Terra Firma by tea time. Arriving home this evening I could see him at the back door howling for his tea. He had obviously figured it out for himself how to get down. Pictures will be posted in the gallery over the next week or so.

Until next time………

Its an odd thing, you wake up in the morning full of ideas and ideals and by the evening when you get chance to write them all down you have forgotten them. With most writers this is called “Writers Block”. However as I am not a writer my own condition which is often very similar is called “Bloggers Rite”. It’s like a rite of passage for bloggers that we all go through at some point or other. In some case bloggers never recover and simply let the blog slide into obscurity with not so much as a further post or explanation.

My birthday which is on Valentines Day came and went. BC took me to a five star hotel in the Lake District and I spent some time driving land rovers up almost impossibly steep inclines and forded some rivers. After this I spent some time doing the same thing on a quad bike which was immense fun. All in all it was a fantastic birthday with marvellous food in very swish surroundings and great company.

February has finally passed away for another 12 months. With this year being a leap year a few young ladies that I know took full advantage of the fact that its ok to ask a man to marry you and popped the question to the men in their lives on February 29th. Some men said yes and the best of luck to those happy couples. This concept came out of the 5^th century when St Bridget complained to St Patrick that women should not have to wait so long for men to propose. The first recorded and documented practise is from Scotland in 1288. More facts for those who are interest can be found here. http://marriage.about.com/cs/holidays/a/leapyear.htm
Whether this custom will continue or go the same way of dowries and breach of promise remains to be seen but it has lasted for at least 1500 years and shows no sign of abating.

Onto earth moving facts and there was a minor earthquake in Lincolnshire on 27^th Feb. There was no real damage as such other than to the pockets of the insurance companies. There were no droughts, famine or pestilence caused by it and by no means anything like the humanitarian catastrophes that we see around the globe on an all too frequent basis. However it did wake me up and to be honest I thought I had burglars in the house. I tiptoed downstairs, heart in mouth to see who the intruders might be. On discovering no one except a cowering cat I came back to bed convinced that Genghis had yet again knocked over some large object. Indeed it was only when the news came on in the morning I discovered what the disturbance had been.

Now if only this had taken place on February 29^th then so many young men would have been able to say “She proposed and the earth really did move for me”

It,s been over a week since I last had a full English breakfast and I have not touched any biscuits, although there is some debate on whether shortbread is a biscuit or not. My own take on it is this if it really is a biscuit instead of bread then trading standards should be informed and action taken to ensure that that the public are not mislead. Speaking of misleading I went into a butchers the other day to buy some ribs and asked him about Ox tails. I mentioned that you don’t see many other bits of Ox for sale only tongue and tail. What happens to the rest of the Ox? He mentioned that it probably was not Ox at all but cow and that he happened to be a pork butcher so he would not know. Is this not a case for trading standards to inspect?

Onto the week and some mindless morons, probably illiterate, inbred halfwits, have started egging my windows and my car. Mindful of what happened to Gary Newlove and that was not an isolated incident, I sat and ignored it. Mine is not the only property to be attacked but it shows the isolation and sense of being unable to “do” anything when some thing like that happens. Peaceful law abiding citizens are slowly being hounded out of the UK aided by a police force that turns a blind eye to criminal damage under 500 pounds because it is not cost worthy to investigate it. The PSCO’s seem to have had limited success mainly because the powers they employ are so limited. I have not seen one in my area and I have never seen one in any area after 7-30pm.  Are they worth having? Well not from my point of view.

No post these days would be complete without an update on Genghis. He is now putting on some weight and has become increasingly playful. I suspect this is mainly due to me feeding him raw steak and full fat cream. In a few weeks he will go for his injections and inoculations and then after a couple more weeks, mainly when the clocks have gone forward, he will be unleashed onto the world at large. Rather than having him bring dead birds and frogs into my house I expect him to be dragging half dead mindless vandals. If that does not work then it’s either move or get a tiger.

Last night I went to see a Thin Lizzy tribute band called Limehouse Lizzy. They are probably the best tribute band I have ever seen or heard. The bass player looks remotely like Phil Lynott and the guitarists looked remarkably like Scot Gorham and John Sykes. The Lynott look-alike had the accent and actions off to a T. All thrusting groins, sexual innuendo, searing guitar licks, long hair leather and denim. The very stuff that rock n roll is made of. Would I go and see them again? definitely.  It was so different to the last time I went to see a band or artiste. Some time ago I had booked to see an amazing guitarist by the name of Alvin Lee. All pumped up I arrived at the venue to see one of the great rock n roll legends and relive some of my fast fading youth (some might say bleached beyond recognition).  

I knew something was wrong when said artiste walked on stage. His gait and manner were not what I had expected and he didn’t look entirely like I remembered him from his days with Ten years After. Within a few seconds the awful truth had dawned on me. It was Albert Lee on stage. I had booked to see the wrong guy. An easy enough mistake to happen when you book online after having had a few beers! Albert is also a great guitarist, born at the same time as Alvin and from the same country and indeed the same part of the UK. However, Albert is mainly a country guitarist while Alvin is pure rock. Both have the same skill and are equally talented but I hate country music. I stayed as long as I could for I really appreciated his skill and talent, but I could not bare the music he was making.

Ted Magnum has contacted me from Argentina and over the course of a few emails we have discussed the possibility of the two of us travelling from Alaska to Ushia some time in 2011. It’s a distinct possibility although anything can happen in three years. I have given some thought to travelling around the world when Château Ghastanbury has been sold. Last year I was given a rucksack and some rather fine walking boots and shoes for this very purpose. The trip if it comes off will be via motorcycle or Landrover. There are pluses and minuses for each form of transport however the rucksack and boots will be used whatever method is decided upon for the trip.

Sitting at my desk and looking out of the window at the bright blue sky and watching my old friends the Collared Doves attempting to build a nest for the coming season, the world seems fine and all is well. Plans are afoot for a financial venture and travel beckons at some far away point. The future looks bright, a different planet away from the chaos and bad news. What bad news? Well the Traveller who arrived an hour ago tells me that Japanese fighter planes have been scrambled to escort a Russian bomber out of Japanese airspace. The Russians are also building a naval base at a Syrian port that will give them the largest naval base in the Mediterranean. Combined with their flights into British air space at regular intervals and their increased control of gas and oil throughout Europe it looks ominous. Kosovo is expected to declare UDI which will be opposed by Bosnia and Russia oh and the Archbishop of Canterbury has suggested that the UK accepts certain parts of Sharia law for some sectors of the community. Its time to get out before the Russians bomb us to bits and those who are left have to buy prayer mats and face east every morning. Mind you the Mayans did say the world would end on December 23^rd 2012. We had best enjoy what time is left while we can!

At last January is finally over. The skies are blue and the sun is shining and the winter blues are finally on their way, well at least for today. So what have I been up to? Well I have now taken up yoga as well as Tai Chi. Both are equally difficult for an unfit novice like me but I felt better the morning after the yoga session. The stretching and breathing really made a difference and I had a spring in my step when I woke up unlike when I went to bed and I could not move. In fact during the night, I actually fell out of bed and could not get back in without the assistance of BC.

On Shrove Tuesday me and BC went to friends house for a meal. My friend is some one I have known for a long time and both she and her mother used to call in and see Elsie on a regular basis. Mum and me both looked forward to seeing them as the pair of them are regular rays of sunshine and can brighten up any one’s day. They have also been active members of my barbecue circuit for some time. For the purpose of this blog I will call them Sophia Loren and her Mum. Anyway I digress, the meal was wonderful. It was Italian and we had a massive starter of cannelloni followed by Pork escallops with tomato stew and vegetables. For afters we all had a huge piece of Italian cake smothered in Amaretto syrup and preserved peaches. By this time I was feeling rather full and was convinced I could eat no more when a huge block of Cheddar cheese that had been steeped in Port and was almost pink in colour was placed on the table with some crackers. Needless to say I ate far more than I should of when the chocolate and coffee arrived. Strong rich Italian coffee laced with liquor and topped off with cream and all washed down with several (I lost count) bottles of wine. I really do not understand how Miss Loren and her Mum manage to stay so slim and svelte on a rich calorie laden diet like theirs but they do. I only have to look at Ginsters pasty and 3 inches go on my waist.

After a truly wonderful meal with delightful company during which the time flew all too quickly, I waddled out and set off for home and decided there and then that for the very first time I would give up something for lent. I have now given up chocolate, biscuits and full English breakfasts. To aid me and ensure my will power does not wilt Commander Riker has also given up the same things. Given our combined failure to keep to any news year’s resolutions for the last umpteen years, the abstinence for lent does not hold out much hope but I am banking upon the fortitude and sense of purpose of my good friend CR to keep me on the straight and narrow.

The Traveller arrived at mine a few days ago and we had a drink with Teech. During this session we all decided we needed to do something for our futures and that three heads and combined financial power was much better than one. Thus we have agreed to form an alliance the purpose of which is to buy land wherever we can find it at costs that are agreeable to all three of us. Consequently we are looking at wedges of land in Texas. Will we buy any? I really do not know but the will to do something is there. I have no doubt that before the end of this year we will have purchased something somewhere. As land prices rarely if ever fall, it disproves the old saying that what goes up must come down. For now the dream is a step closer.

Clearing out, it happens to us all. One day you wake up and think I have so much clutter it needs to be sorted out. Well it happened to me this morning. I cleared thousands of emails I had stored from years past. I sorted out a lot of letters I have had from eons ago and sorted them out into piles which needed to be shredded. History has been erased, will I regret this, I do not know.  I have seen documentaries in which old and very often sad and lonely people clung onto the past by reading old letters and looking at old photographs. I take my hat off to them but I am taking the view that I will always have the future to look forward to and will never want to venture into the past. Pride comes before a fall and I just know that one day I will regret the actions of today but not right now. I pray to whatever Gods are out there that my memory never fails me.

The second round of Tai Chi took place this evening. It was not any easier than the previous week although I have been practising Bouji Walking and my forms all week. The perspiration still poured out of me although this a gentle exercise. No matter what my instructor told me my muscles were still in knots and my breathing erratic and I found it hard to relax as I was told to do. I do believe that it was the thought of people watching me get it wrong that made me so nervous. I have vowed to take a couple of Prozac pills before the next session. Am I going again? Definitely.

Genghis is still running the house. He has discovered the washing machine and lots more cables. There is a seemingly endless supply of things to keep him amused and occupied in Chateau Ghastanbury. One word from me and he does as he likes. I like independence in a creature, but not when he is living in my house. However I can forgive him because he is so cute.

The Traveller is home and he is coming to see me on Friday evening. I have made arrangements for him, The Beast, Teech and me to meet up at Château Ghastanbury for a drink or two and discuss where we are all going in the future. I feel certain that our futures are in some way linked together and as such we are going to discuss a plan that may be of benefit to us all. More news on that when we have met and patented our ideas or at least made sure no one else can pinch them before we put them into action!

Will I ever find the Utopia I crave? Possibly not but that wont stop me or others looking for it. Until then I have dreams.

Genghis is still ripping the house to shreds but at last he has realised the meaning of the words, down, out and no. Admittedly this was learnt with the aid of a tap to the head. No this is not cruel, but telling him that jumping on the work surface just isn’t appropriate behaviour is some thing you cannot do with a cat. That type of explanatory nonsense is best left to sandal wearing veggie types who knit their own yoghurt live in Tee Pee’s and call their children Oscar and Pheobe.

Onto the week then, well sort of. Months ago The Beast and myself had decided we needed to become fit. We visited a gym and asked to be allowed in to look around. I wanted to check the facilities such as secure lockers, showers and changing rooms before I even ventured inside. I guess its not the sort of question you ask these days judging by the looks that the ladies on the kiosk at the entrance gave us. Eventually we got in after giving our name, address, phone number, age, occupation, marital status and I suspect would have asked us for DNA samples and the souls of our first born before we got to look around. We gave it a miss.

Yoga and Tai Chi is the way to go I exclaimed in a moment of inspiration fuelled by Carlsberg export and Gordon’s gin one quiet evening. TB agreed and we decided that Tai chi would be just the ticket. Not too strenuous, but just enough to stretch those muscles and get our hearts and lungs pumping again. To cut a long story short we went one evening a week or so ago and no one turned up. Feeling dejected after the build up of anticipation we headed back to Château Ghastanbury in despair and opened a few beers. We decided there and then we would give it another shot the following week.

Tuesday evening and TB and myself are in a class of people stretching, Bouji walking and breathing deeply in time to commands and music.  Perspiration streamed out of every pore I had and muscles I had forgotten I had ached. It is definitely not martial arts, its more like Yoga with venom but its still a work out and an hour passed all too quickly. By Wednesday morning I had problems walking and turning my head from the neck and head rolls I had performed the previous evening. Was it strenuous? yes. Was it fun, you betcha. Will I being going again? Most definitely!

Finally another close friend told me last evening that they intended to leave the UK and could possibly be gone before the end of summer. With those that have already left and those who have stated a definite time when they will leave, it would appear I have more friends out of the country than I do in it. When am I going? I hear you ask and what’s stopping me? Well I have a plan and it involves waiting until the housing market is back on its feet again. Meanwhile I am looking for a motorbike.

Well my life has certainly changed in the last few days. My mate, the Tiler, his mother in-law contacted me to ask if I wanted a kitten. I thought about it for a few minutes and asked the normal questions such as how old is it, is it tray trained, what sex is it and what colour is it. Its’ a male four months old tray trained and its mainly ginger with white bits. I was absolutely sold on the idea. I headed off to the shops to but some cat food and milk and some toys and went to pick him up. The result is I have a loveable, nay adorable kitten that I have christened Genghis. Well you can hardly expect some one like me to stand on the doorstep and shout out “ here Fluffy, where are you” beside what would the boys at the bottom of the garden say when asking him his name say when he announced in a squeaky voice that its Fluffy? He has taken over my house and my world. He has decided that my recently decorated dining room needs re-decorating and has started scratching the wallpaper off for me.

He obviously does not like any of the carpets I have chosen because he wants to rip them to shreds and as for the worktops in my kitchen, he thinks it is a great idea to jump up on them and flick things off to see what happens when they land on the floor. Consequently my house resembles a war zone. However he is happy and I love him to bits in spite of his faults. Every thing in my house is an adventure to him. Hence all of my curtains have become climbing frames and he loves all the wires behind my TV and the stereo. He loves walking across my key board as I type and it now takes me three times longer to make any post as it did prior to him being here.

I love him to bits and he is showing signs of being a regular chip off the old block. He loves big TITS. He has discovered that he can get away with shoving his nose in the cleavage of Bean Counter and not get slapped. Indeed the only comment was “Aw isn’t he cute”. It just goes to show that if you are cute and fluffy with big eyes and a handsome smile you can get away with murder. I have tried the same tack with various big breasted women over the years only to get my face slapped and be called a pervert. Genghis seems to manage this task with ease and be complimented on doing so.

I hope the mice are aware of his presence, he has not caught any yet but he is sure to scare the living daylights of any brave enough to remain in Château Ghastanbury while he is here. It is a precarious existence, he wrecks my house and I feed him and then he sits in my lap and purrs away quite contentedly. More reports will follow but for now Genghis, mate of Shere is in the building.

January, it’s a depressing month. The nights are long the days are short, the skies are grey, the temperatures are low. Added to this is the fact that the bills start dropping through the letter box. January does not even have any events in it to make it more appealing. For example February is short month in which Valentines Day occurs. March is when the clocks go forward. April is when Easter normally appears and May has two bank holidays. June is when the summer solstice occurs, July is the start of summer and when the kids break up for the summer break, August has a bank holiday in it, September is when the kids go back to school. October has Halloween, November has Guy Fawkes Night and December is Christmas time. January does not have one single redeeming feature.

It is probably due to the fact that January is such a bad month that the highest numbers of divorce proceedings take place and it has the highest suicide rate of any other month, in the Northern Hemisphere at least. It was while I was bathing in the glow of my light box, furiously swallowing serotonin tablets and watching a programme about how the fast food industry is killing us that I started to wonder why I was here. Why have I not sold up and gone in search of the sun? I no longer have any ties here and no excuses to not go, well not solid, water tight ones at least. Yes the odd question has popped into my head such as what do I do with my stuff. I spent a long time acquiring it and when I had, it presented me with a reason for going to work.

The nice things or toys were my reward for doing something I did not enjoy. A horrible day at work was rewarded by coming home to a state of the art TV and hi fi system, a car that did not break down every 50 miles and a comfortable home that belonged to me and not to some one else. I have also asked what do I do if I ever have to come back? The thought of working on the nail counter at B&Q or selling the big issue and living in a hostel is not particularly appealing! In short us baby boomers have grown up with the notion that your job and your home are two assets that must be maintained and held onto at all costs.  I would love to do some serious travelling before settling down again. Leaving the UK is a one way ticket for me. There won’t be any coming back as there will be nothing to come back to. I will have no where to live and little chance of ever working again.

There is a way around this, I just have to think of it and then execute it. Until then I have some serious research to do and lots of people to talk to. With a bit of effort, January may become bearable.